1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
