I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
