I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
