I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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