oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Randomize
