his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
