I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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