were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Randomize
