The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
