The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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