i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
