Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
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