He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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