I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
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