just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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