My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Michael Bay diarrhea
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
