she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
