I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
