Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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