I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
