she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
