Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
