Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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