what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
