Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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