How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
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