I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
