hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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