Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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