Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I am mentally ready for anal.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
