She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
