I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
