Swine flu. Run for my life!
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
