just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
