a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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