I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
