did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
