My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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