This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
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Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
dude. I can hear the air.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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