Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
