she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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