You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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