I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Just pee around me
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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