Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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