She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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