If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
