Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
