i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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