I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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