Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
