I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Tornado booty call.. dedication
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
