Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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