in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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