Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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