Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
