im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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