No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
