Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
