i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
