I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
